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The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 1987
Introduction Todd plays Bruce Hornsby and the Range - "The Way It Is"#8 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 on his piano. THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 1987 A year-end review Todd: At the end of every year, Billboard Magazine publishes their annual list of that year's Top 100 songs. They've been doing this since 1959, and...I went ahead and went through them all. stack of Top 100 lists and plops the stack onto the keyboard Now, I love these lists. I love going through every year and getting a real accurate snapshot of the popular music of yesteryear; what it was really like, checking out the true classics and the well-remembered period markers and the forgotten gems and, of course, the outright crap. And since I know what pays the bills, you can guess which one of those we'll be talking about today. So let's take a nice, close look at the Top 100 songs of... through pile and pulls out list from... 1987. :Video montage beginning with and set against Wang Chung - "Everybody Have Fun Tonight."#12 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Video clips that follow include Bon Jovi - "Living on a Prayer"#10 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Tiffany - "I Think We're Alone Now"#18 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; The Bangles - "Walk Like an Egyptian"#1 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; U2 - "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"#27 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Whitney Houston - "I Wanna Dance with Somebody"#4 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Heart - "Alone"#2 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Beastie Boys - "Fight for Your Right"#98 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Whitesnake - "Here I Go Again"#27 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Madonna - "Open Your Heart"#30 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; George Michael - "I Want Your Sex"#24 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Janet Jackson - "Control"#37 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Billy Idol - "Mony Mony"#19 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Duran Duran - "Notorious"#25 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Huey Lewis and the News - "Hip to Be Square"#49 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; and Kim Wilde - "You Keep Me Hangin' On"#34 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Todd (VO): 1987. What the fuck is going on? :Jack Hues: Everybody have fun tonight Todd (VO): Well, I'll tell you, not a whole lot. This was not a good year for the pop charts if this list is any indication. Sure, there were a few classic '80s hits in there, but for the most part, this list is just crap. Anyone who thinks the '80s is nothing but DayGlo fashions and new wave hairdos, all I can tell you is expect a lot less Flock of Seagulls and a lot more Richard Marx. It was hard for me to find ten songs distinct enough to be even worth hating. Whatever shock and energy that'd been provided by MTV and New Wave at the beginning of the decade, is at this point starting to devolve into a big gloopy mess of synthed cheese. And that's a trend that's going to continue as we move into the utter horror that is the early '90s. Todd: How bad is this list? Here's all you need to know — the clip of the UK video of "(I Just) Died in Your Arms"#32 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 by.. Cutting Crew have two songs in the Top 100. And meanwhile I wasn't expecting to see any, like, Sonic Youth or anything, but I don't think it's that far out of line for me to ask to see a little something from contemporaneous bands like shots of the year's releases by... R.E.M., the Cure, New Order, or freaking Aerosmith! Seriously, Sting... is too left-of-the-dial for 1987. That's how bad it was. But you know what? This is the year I picked, and we're gonna power through it. So don't disturb this groove, don't dream it's over, we're counting down... Video clip of Michael Jackson - "Bad"#59 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100, which serves as the interlude through the countdown. Videos are shown for each entry unless otherwise noted. Todd (VO): The Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1987. :Michael: ...and the whole world has to answer right now :Just to tell you once again who's bad #10 Todd (VO): #10 Todd: Now here's a justly forgotten piece of pop culture ephemera. :Clip of Lipps, Inc. - "Funkytown" Todd (VO): No, not this. You know what this is. This is "Funkytown," the 1980 disco classic by one-hit wonder Lipps, Inc. Not one of my favorite songs admittedly, but one that's certainly earned its place in pop culture history because it's one of the most maddeningly catchy songs ever written. All you have to do is hear a couple seconds of it, and you know you'll be hearing it over and over again in your head for the rest of the week. Todd: Oh, and by the way, up you're welcome. Todd (VO): And part of the reason why it's so catchy is its sense of restraint. and an impossibly tight, controlled groove accented by the track's incessantly memorable beeping keyboard hook. hook Deet-deet-deet-deet-deet, deet-deet-deet-deet-deet. Todd: So yeah, I can't think of a quicker way to ruin this song than to pump it all up like it's on steroids. #10. Pseudo Echo - "Funkytown"#99 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Todd (VO): This fine band with the overenthusiastic keytar player is the Australian group Pseudo Echo, and they are basically a poor, poor, poor man's INXS. Like I said, I wasn't a huge fan of the original, but it certainly worked better as a disco track than a jamming '80s rock tune, specifically by a band who let their keytarist pick the single most awful, blaring preset on their Casio. Todd: You know, I've always felt bad for bands whose only hit was a cover. Yeah, I'm looking at you, Alien Ant Farm. Todd (VO): But when your one hit was covering someone else's one hit, you've taken the lameness of being a one-hit wonder and multiplied it exponentially. At least some one-hitters can say, "yeah, we covered [album covers of Alien Ant Farm - ''ANThology...]'' Michael Jackson or [Lemonheads - ''It's a Shame About Ray]'' Simon & Garfunkel or [Dynamite Hack - ''Superfast]'' NWA or someone cool." Todd: But Pseudo Echo's only claim to fame is covering "Funkytown"...badly. Ugh. Todd (VO): Pseudo Echo, a one-hit wonder without the wonder. Good riddance. :Brian Canham: Won't you take me down to Funkytown! Interlude #9 Todd (VO): #9. Todd: The year was 1987, and the world belonged to Gregory Abbott. #9. Gregory Abbott - "Shake You Down"#3 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Gregory: Yeah! Todd (VO): Gregory Abbott-mania was in full effect. You couldn't walk down the street without seeing dozens of Gregory Abbott t-shirts, backpacks. Little girls ran screaming at Gregory Abbott every time he stepped out in public. Todd: ...I assume, at least. I mean, I wasn't really paying attention at the time. Most of the songs I knew came from Sesame Street. You know, I just kinda figured that's how it was because list Gregory Abbott is right at #3 on the list. #3, higher than Michael, higher than Madonna, higher than Prince and Bon Jovi, U2, Whitney, Janet, George Michael, higher than all of them. And that's astonishing to me because...I've never heard of this song. Have you? :Gregory: And you know... Todd (VO): I mean, I guess you might have if you were there. But I sat through quite a few VH1 '80s marathons and this song apparently has had virtually no staying power. But still, it's not hard to see how this got so popular. Abbott had the smoldering good looks of of C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man, and he had a singing voice so good, he might be able to place 9th on a bad season of American Idol. :Gregory: Oh! I've been missing you Todd:'' imitates'' I've been missing you... finger in mouth :Gregory: ...and the way you make me feel inside :Eenie meenie miney mo... Todd (VO): Oh no, oh no, BIEBER FLASHBACKS! AH! AH! Todd: This is what happens when you let Quiet Storm ballads be written by people who probably spent the entire '80s wearing Cosby sweaters. Seriously, "shake you down"? Todd (VO): I get "love you down," "lay you down," "rub you down" maybe, but "shake you down"? Todd: I might not have known what Usher meant when he said he'd break you down, but I do know what shaking someone down means. of a holdup A shakedown is extortion. Gregory Abbott is threatening to mug you. Isn't that right, Bob Seger? :Clip of Bob Seger - "Shakedown"#9 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Bob: Shakedown, breakdown, takedown :Everybody wants into the crowded light Todd: Yeah, Seger knows what he's talking about. Oh, and by the way, "Shakedown" by Bob Seger? list Another hit from 1987 this was bigger than. :Gregory: Hey baby Interlude #8 Todd (VO): #8. Todd: Now here's a question. How do you take a band like this of Chicago - "25 or 6 to 4", and then get them to spend more than a decade making this? :Clip of Chicago - "You're the Inspiration" :Peter Cetera: You're the meaning in my life :You're the inspiration Todd: I...I don't know how that happens. All I know is that, even though I think I have a pretty good tolerance for '80s soft rock, I can... I can not deal with Chicago. If Chicago had had ten hits this year, I'd have put them all on the list. They only had one, so that's what's making it on here. #8. Chicago - "Will You Still Love Me"#50 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Todd (VO): Chicago are the Nickelback of the '80s. It wasn't just that they were bad, it was also that they maintained such an unblemished and consistent track record of being completely awful yet inexplicably successful from the very beginning of the decade to the very end. This was off their eighteenth album. Other bands might've had smellier shit, but no one had more of it. Todd: 1987 finds Shitcago very, very deep in their suck period, but it also finds them at a deeply uncertain place in their history. cover of Peter Cetera - "The Glory of Love" They were still reeling off the loss of longtime frontman Peter Cetera, and they were struggling to answer a very, very serious question: could they still suck without him? Todd (VO): Well, through hard work and perseverance, they proved that they could suck harder than ever. They had not yet begun to suck! They were gonna suck all night and suck every day. :Jason Scheff: 'Cause I can't go on Todd (VO): But go on, they did. And they continued to stink up the joint right through the '80s and even into the '90s, forever staining the good name of their namesake city. Todd: Seriously, the Windy City has suffered through of... the Chicago Fire, Al Capone, and the horrible, still-lingering infestation of Cubs fans. Hasn't that city suffered enough? Interlude #7 Todd (VO): #7. Todd: One thing that I promised myself when I put this list together was that it was going to have all the songs that I legitimately hated the most, not the easiest targets or the ones that gave me the most material. I mean, look at this. It's... :Clip of Bruce Willis - "Respect Yourself"#89 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Todd (VO): Bruce Willis. Bruce freaking Willis singing and dancing and people are actually listening to this. I guess he was moonlighting as a singer. Too bad his music career died hard. Hah, hah. Todd: Oh, good times. Well, anyway, here's Lionel Richie with "Ballerina Girl." #7. Lionel Richie - "Ballerina Girl"#95 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Lionel: Ballerina girl... Todd (VO): See, that's the problem with this list. Most of the worst songs of this year aren't hilarious or wacky, they're just dull as shit. Lionel Richie's "Ballerina Girl" is a father-daughter song so saccharine and sentimental and boring, it makes "Butterfly Kisses" sound like "Enter Sandman." I realize there's a place in this world for quieter songs, but this song is so slow, I think the tempo is written in negative numbers. Todd: And it's not like Lionel Richie was ever the most exciting performer to begin with. I mean, his big hit from that album... :Clip of "Dancing on the Ceiling" Todd (VO): ...was "Dancing on the Ceiling," and that was his party song, you know Unenthusiastic Oooh, party, party time, woo, gettin' crunk up in here. Yeah, ain't no party like a Lionel Richie party, yeah. Todd: So when Lionel wants to take things down a notch, that's when you know you start to get worried. :Lionel: I'm never gonna break your heart... Todd: Well, wait a minute, and this literally occurred to me right before I sat down. If this is a father-daughter song, that means that Lionel wrote this for Paris Hilton BFF/tabloid magnet/useless human being Nicole Richie. Does that make this song utterly hilarious in hindsight? Oh, you better believe it! :Lionel: images of Nicole Richie with Paris Hilton, Joel Madden, in a dress and bikini that would look better on anyone else Ballerina girl, you are so lovely :With you standing there, I'm so aware Todd: Ah, they grow up so fast. Alright, let's move on before I fall asleep. Interlude #6 Todd (VO): #6 #6. Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam - "Head to Toe"#17 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Lisa Lisa: Head to toe... Todd (VO): Oh, God, I hate it! Todd: Yeah, I'll be honest. This song is on the list entirely for those first few seconds. :Lisa Lisa: Head to toe... Todd: Uggghhh. Terrible. :Lisa Lisa: Ooh, baby, I think I love ya :From head to toe Todd (VO): Not that the rest of this song is any good. I have no idea what made Lisa Lisa any kind of acceptable pop star to anyone. Lisa Lisa & the Cult Jam had several minor hit songs through the latter half of the '80s, most of which were completely unlistenable. That her production team called themselves Full Force is a ridiculous joke to me, considering the fact that everything I've ever heard from them is painfully weak and completely lacking in force. Todd: Oh, except for this. :Lisa Lisa: Head to toe... Todd (VO): Yeah, that one off-key blast of bad synth and bad singing unfortunately does hit you with full force. Lisa Lisa allegedly comes from a Latin hip-hop background, but I don't hear it. I just hear an overly chipper Fame reject doing a bad Paula Abdul impression. And what bothers me the most about this... Todd: ...is all the reviews I've read comparing this to Motown. Motown? Seriously? How?! What about this sounds anything like Motown?! :Lisa Lisa: 14 karat love, you are my jewel of the Nile :When we make love diamonds are forever :Isley Brothers: of single cover of "This Old Heart of Mine" - the tune of the song is similar to "Head to Toe" Maybe it's my mistake :To show this love I feel inside Todd (VO): Oh, okay. I guess I do hear it. Todd: So yeah, this sounds exactly like Motown...except without the tight musicianship, the soulful singing, or the longevity. Todd (VO): Seriously, why would I wanna listen to Lisa Lisa & the Cult Jam when I can just listen to clips of... the Cult or the Jam? :Lisa Lisa: I think I love you from head to toe... Todd: Oh dear lord. Make it stop. :Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam: Ooh baby, I think I love you :You got to know-ow-ow... Interlude #5 Todd (VO): #5. Todd: It really pains me to have to put a band that I actually really like on this list. Like, I've actually seen them in concert and they're great. Sigh But this is an honest list, so it's gotta be what it's gotta be. :Clips for Genesis - "Invisible Touch"... Todd (VO): Alright, 1986 and 1987, big years for the band Genesis. Probably the height of their fame, five hit singles off their Invisible Touch album, of Confusion"#40 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100... four of which I really like, including, of course, the world-conquering classic "Land of Confusion." "In Too Deep"#47 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Now if you were going to guess which of their songs I don't like, judging by the rest of this list you'd probably pick the slow adult-contemporary ballad "In Too Deep." Todd: But you know what? I think I actually kinda like "In Too Deep." In fact, I think it's the most moving pop song of the 1980s. [Fades into clip from ''American Psycho]'' It's about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock. :Patrick Bateman: Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole. Todd: No, instead of the dull easy-listening piece, I went with the edgy, angry single. What kind of critic am I? #5. Genesis - "Tonight, Tonight, Tonight"#68 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Phil Collins: Because tonight, tonight, tonight Todd (VO): I'll tell you what kind of critic—the kind that hates "Tonight, Tonight, Tonight" by Genesis. This song is apparently about drug addiction, and if they intended to make a song that sounded as appealing as heroin withdrawal, they succeeded. Most of the songs on this list are too bland, but this is the complete opposite. I cannot believe the same public that put Bryan Adams and Whitney Houston on the pop charts also wanted to hear this crushingly unpleasant song and its highly questionable lyrics. :Phil: I'm going down, going down, like a monkey Todd (VO): What? "Going down like a monkey"? Todd: Do monkeys "go down"? pause How do you know that? Yeah, like a lot of Phil Collins's angry music, "Tonight, Tonight, Tonight" is just a dull, discordant slog of a song, and unfortunately there's no signature drum riff from "In the Air Tonight" to kick things into gear. Todd (VO): And don't try to tell me that the ugliness of this song is somehow Genesis going back to their prog roots. This isn't progressive, it's just a mess. [Short snippet of ''West Side Story]'' I liked "Tonight," of Smashing Pumpkins song I liked "Tonight, Tonight,"... Todd: ...but "Tonight, Tonight, Tonight" is one "tonight" too many. :Phil: Tonight, tonight, tonight... :Clip from ''South Park '' :Stan: Get off the stage, Phil Collins! Interlude #4 Todd (VO): #4. Todd: Alright, '80s music. You think of '80s music, what are you thinking of? You're thinking of hair metal. :Clip of Bon Jovi - "Livin' on a Prayer" :Jon Bon Jovi: Whoa...we're halfway there... Todd (VO): We are halfway there, Jon Bon. Specifically, '87 is about the halfway point between hair metal's [Album cover of Motley Crue's ''Shout at the Devil]'' dynamic birth and its [Cover of Winger's ''In the Heart of the Young]'' sad, well-deserved death. So we've got both sides of it right here. On one hand, you've got the stuff that's aged pretty well, like Bon Jovi and Whitesnake... Todd: ...and on the other end of it, you've got Europe. #4. Europe - "Carrie"#56 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Joey Tempest: Carrie, Carrie... Todd (VO): Europe is one of the cheesiest bands in history. Their lead singer was named Joey Tempest, for God's sakes. I think even Journey was laughing at them. of "The Final Countdown" Now Europe, of course, is best known for their cheese classic "The Final Countdown," and a lot of people will tell you that's one of the worst songs of all time, but I think it's kind of charming in its ridiculousness. "Carrie," however, is as bad a hair ballad as you're gonna find. This is humiliating to listen to. This song is completely and utterly useless. Even if you have a girlfriend named Carrie, you can't sing it to her; it's a breakup song. You can try it, but I don't think it'll go over very well. :The song plays over clips of the movie ''Carrie '' :Joey: Carrie, Carrie, things they change my friend :Carrie... Todd: They are all gonna laugh at you, Europe, and they should. Interlude #3 Todd (VO): #3. Todd: So, how do you take a band like this... :Clip of Jefferson Airplane - "Somebody to Love" :Grace Slick: Don't you want somebody to love :Don't you need somebody to love Todd: ...and then eventually get them to make this? :Clip of Starship - "We Built This City" :Mickey Thomas: We built this city Todd (VO): I don't have any answers for this one either. "We Built This City" is the song everyone thinks of when they pick on Starship. But their big hit in '87 of... was "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now"#5 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 off the Mannequin soundtrack, if you can believe that, and that song is really, honestly, and truly... Todd: ...one of my favorite songs of the decade. pause No, I'm not kidding. list Let's see what else we got on this list. We got..."Mandolin Rain,"#65 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 that's a good song; "Always" by Atlantic Starr#14 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100, also good; "Didn't We Almost Have It All" by Whitney Houston#22 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100, all good songs. So, like, I've made my point, right? It's not like I hate everything out of the soft-rock genre. You know, I do like some of it; it's just... I have a line. So going back to the original question, of Chicago's "25 or 6 to 4" and "You're the Inspiration" who turned this into this? This guy! #3. Peter Cetera & Amy Grant - "The Next Time I Fall"#28 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Peter: Next time I fall in love Todd (VO): Peter Cetera is one of the true real-life villains of the '80s, right up there with of... Ayatollah Khomeini, Pablo Escobar, the guy who shot the Pope. Peter Cetera is a war criminal, Peter Cetera made the stock market crash, Peter Cetera killed my dog! :Amy: Like I wanted to before Todd (VO): And apparently Peter Cetera was also worried that he might not be able to suck as hard without Chicago, so he actually recruited a contemporary Christian singer to duet with him; a move so evil, I cannot believe James Bond never showed up to assassinate him! :Peter and Amy: on video Next time I fall in love :I'll know better what to do :Next time I fall in love :Peter: Whoo-ooh-ooh! (??) Todd: And what else is there to say about this song? It's bland, it's boring. Here's a list of synonyms for bland. List is shown: banal, blah, boring, dull, dull as dishwater, flat, flavorless, ho hum, humdrum, insipid, monotonous, nerdy, nothing, pabulum, sapless, tame, tedious, unexciting, uninspiring, uninteresting And that's it, that's all I have. This song is just a giant beige avalanche burying you in suck. :Peter: Next time I fall in love :It will be with you Todd: And with that, I think we've finally exhausted our supply of bad cheesy soft rock from the '80s. Now I'm not promising the rest of the list is gonna be good, obviously, but at the very least, it'll be a more animated level of bad. Thank God. Let's get to it. Interlude #2 Todd (VO): #2. #2. Glenn Medeiros - "Nothing's Gonna Change My Love for You"#85 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Glenn: Nothing's gonna change my love for you :You ought to know by now how much I love you :One thing you can be sure of... Todd has his head down in despair, pounding the top of the piano with his fist Todd: I hate this list, I hate this list, I hate this list so goddamn much. It's such a stupid, stupid idea. I hate this list. :Glenn: If I had to live my life without you near me Todd: This song makes my skin crawl. My mother loves it. :Glenn: Hold me now, touch me now Todd (VO): Glenn Medeiros was a Portuguese-Hawaiian kid who was 17 when he won a local radio contest. He cut a record and, out of nowhere, it got big. And you can tell that this was a record never intended for mass consumption because everything about this record screams, "I was meant to be seen by a few friends and family and that's it!" :Glenn: You don't have to change a thing :I love you just the way you are Todd (VO): Uh, Mr. Medeiros, call for you from Billy Joel's lawyers on line two. Todd: And, of course, the lameness of this song is augmented by what has to be the... Todd (VO): ...saddest, sorriest excuse for a music video ever witnessed by man. I'm not sure that I didn't accidentally find the track plays on video karaoke video for this instead. You gotta give credit for them for making a video that looks exactly like the ad for the compilation CD this inevitably ended up on. of tracks fly by Order now and get all of these classic hits. Medeiros had one more hit—a duet with Bobby freaking Brown, of all people—and then he mercifully disappeared and the world did its best to forget he ever existed. Todd: But now we've cleared out all the boring ones, right? I mean, that's gotta be it. There's no way that I can top that for bad easy-listening schlock. There's no more. We're done, right? pause ''Prepare yourselves... ''Interlude #1 Todd (VO): #1. Todd: Okay, some acts, no matter how big they get, you don't see them on the pop charts. of... Yo-Yo Ma does not have any pop hits, the Wiggles do not have any pop hits. And it's not like those acts are unpopular, it's just...you don't see them on the pop charts because they don't go on the pop charts, they don't belong on the pop charts, and if...if you saw them on the pop charts, you be like, "Whhhaaa...?" It'd be hilarious, but it wouldn't happen. [song plays in the backround] It couldn't happen. It just...couldn't...happen. #1. Kenny G - "Songbird"#55 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Todd (VO): Oh no. No way. No way! I refuse to believe that the general public of 1987 put actual, literal elevator music on the hit parade. No, no, no, no, no. Todd: 1987, you have gone too far! I legitimately did not believe that Kenny G had any hit songs. Todd (VO): I mean, I know my parents have the Kenny G Christmas album, possibly in an attempt to keep us from getting too excited about Christmas, but...on the radio? On television with an actual music video?! Why?! It's bad enough to listen to—who would wanna look at it?! He's just standing there! He's not doing anything, he's just playing his stupid saxophone! Todd: There's not even any lyrics! Screw this, I'm gonna come up with my own lyrics. Todd (VO): tune Kenny G, he's a stupid-looking guy And he plays his goddamn saxophone It makes me want to die He's playing... OH ! WHY AM I SITTING HERE LISTENING TO KENNY FREAKING G?!? WHY AM I DOING THIS?!? WHY?!? GOD, MAKE IT''bleep'' Todd: There you have it. 1987—the year that brought you Kenny G. Screw this year, screw this entire overrated decade! I'm out. up and leaves Closing tag song: Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes - "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"#27 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 THE END 1987 is owned by Prince's "Sign o' the Times"#60 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 This video is owned by me Footnotes Category:Guides Category:Todd In The Shadows Transcripts Category:Countdown Lists